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Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby LadyRamkin » Tue Mar 31, 2015 7:16 am

Takes place before the final confrontation of the second major story arc.
I have only written two other things that this. One is a general history back story rules thing, that is nowhere near complete, and the other is sort of like a History seminar.
This hasn't exactly been proof read and i make stupid mistakes when i type but, Here it goes
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Roanan paused. The weight of what he had to do was bearing down on him as though he was holding up the sky. The turned to the crowd of onlookers, who were in a state of stunned silence. He spoke in a loud clear tone "I need two volunteers that" but before he could finish speaking Liliana stepped forward, armour clanking as she pushed through the surrounding group. Tears welled up in Roanan's eyes, he opened his mouth to protest but was swiftly cut off by a small commotion that was happening at the back of the ring of stunned soldiers. As it drew closer Roanan heard the sound of muffled cursing. He knew immediately who it was and hope welled up in him Sorana was the only person Roanan could think of that could talk Liniana out of this. The scuffling ceased as the small woman in her flowing dress emerged from the crowd. Her face was contorted into a scowl as her dress caught on armour, swords and the usual jagged things that are present on most soldiers. She had never really gotten over the fact that the standard uniforms for healers was a dress. "How was she supposed to stab any body in a dress?" Sorana stood up got her bearings and in a loud clear voice proclaimed "I volenteer".
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Roanan's world shattered. He gabbled, almost two fast to understand "But you'll both die!". Sorana took a small step towards Liliana, looking at her face as though trying to commit every detail to memory and murmured "we know." Liliana tore her eyes away from Sorana looked Roanan dead in the eyes and simply nodded. Roanan stood his mind spinning, He couldn’t do that to his friends. The only people in the world who had treated him like a person. He couldn't. That is when Amon stirred, the Old angel sent a thought rippling through Roanan's mind. Roanan paused, and thought back "that was almost... kind." Another thought Rolled through his consciousness and formed in his mind as the image of a man rolling his eyes. Followed by "Not kindness, necessity." This gave Roanan cause for pause. How could that possibly be necessary? The old angel knew many things. Many, many things. And Roanan had been on the receiving end of his constant mysteries and riddles before, but for the life of him he could not see what this was about. Roanan snapped out of his daze and turned to Sorana he could see in her eyes that her only regret would be not spending more of her time with Liliana. He turned to Liliana and saw the same in hers. Roanan looked from one to the other and said "when you... When I..." He couldn't think of what to say. "murder you" was the only thing that came to mind. But they wouldn’t be dead, not really but as far as he could tell, they would be better off if they were.
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He took a deep breath, and exhaled to calm himself, a technique that usually worked, not today. He said in a voice, much calmer than he felt "It has been bought to my attention, that I have the ability to... grant you a child. One that would be wholly your own, you would not however, ever live to see it." Liliana inhaled, eyes wide various emotions played across her face, Joy, sadness and... fear. She was scared that Roanan had the power to do something like that.Sorana's reaction was much the same, except instead of fear, curiosity played across her face. she wanted to know how such a thing was done and whether or not she could do it, as was her way. Roanan Took another steadying breath and said "Do you accept?" Sorana and Liliana shared a look, Liliana gave the briefest of nods and Sorana the smallest of smiles. Things that would have been completely mist by someone that didn’t know them. Liliana turned to Roanan and in the barest whisper said "we do." Roanan nodded. He took a step towards the pair and they moved closer together. Liliana took Sorana's hand, which surprised Roanan almost as much as Amon's show of "kindness". Liliana never showed tenderness on the battlefield, ever, it went completely against her sense of duty to her people. Then It occurred to Roanan that she was giving up her life and her future to save the world, If that didn’t fulfil her duty, nothing would. Sorana still staring into Liliana's eyes said "we're ready." Roanan held back his tears and choked back a sob. He raised his right hand and called forth his blade. He rotated it in a full circle and started the foul ritual.
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He swung the blade and cut the circle he had drawn in the air. No sooner than he had finished did the spell take effect. One second he was looking at his two best friends the next he was looking a two statues, of flawless azure crystal, so lifelike that it almost seemed as though they would start breathing. It was then, looking at the two lifeless representations of his friends that Roanan broke down. Tears streamed down his face, he fell to his knees doubled over and sobbed. Then a thought surged through him from the old angel "Get up, finish what you started" They thought came through in its usual harsh tone but this time there was an undercurrent of... sympathy? It was that more than any thing that made him get to his feet. He stood took one last look at the statues that had been his friends and plunged his fists in to their torso's. The statues exploded into millions of gleaming pieces. For Ronan time seemed to slow to a halt, he looked around taking in the millions of pieces of crystal floating in the air, none of them larger than the tip of his thumb. He looked at the ring of onlookers all of them frozen in a state of shock some of them recoiling away for what had just happened a few in the front row had dropped their weapons, they hung suspended mid descent. Roanan stood up, he raised both of his hands out in front of him palm up and flexed his fingers, immediately a small amount of sky blue mist flowed out of some of the crystals a gather over his left hand. At the same time a small amount of sea green mist came out of other pieces and gathered above his right hand. And at a thought both of them streamed together, dancing and swirling and slowly changing colour to bright gold. Roanan tensed both hands and around the golden mist a crystalline structure formed. He gently took the crystal out of the air and marvel at the tiny soul he held in his hands and with a flick of his wrist it vanished as though it had never been, away from this battlefield, safe.
Last edited by LadyRamkin on Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:02 am, edited 3 times in total.
"That is a very graphic analogy which aids understanding wonderfully while being, strictly speaking, wrong in every possible way"
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby Ruliya » Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:37 am

Moved to Articles, the home of OC stories.

On a side note, you might want to break it up, so it's not a huge text block, so it's easier to read.
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby LadyRamkin » Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:40 am

I have literally no idea when that would be appropriate but i'll give it a go.
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby Ruliya » Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:55 am

It's not bad. I like what you've written so far. Very interesting. There's a good amount of information. Keep it up ^^

If you're not sure how to structure your story, try reading some of the others that have been posted here, or other authors in general to give you a feel of flow and timing.
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby LadyRamkin » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:03 am

So i am really, really bad at coming up for names for things and character, and the names i have used are place holder for now, but after reading it through a couple times, i realised i put the wrong names in the wrong places and have corrected it... i think
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby Soulerous » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:58 am

LadyRamkin wrote:So i am really, really bad at coming up for names for things and character, and the names i have used are place holder for now

Really? Why's that, and what sort of names are you going for?
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby LadyRamkin » Fri Apr 03, 2015 10:08 am

Well, when it comes to character's I just can't think of a name that actually "fit's". I am just not ever really happy with them.
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When it comes to nameing towns, cities, magical items, new technologies, techniques, whatever... They all just don't sound particularly good to me. I don't like them
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Well. i have 3 main arcs, and the way they are named would be significantly different for each arc.... for.... reasons..... but usually just kind of generic fantasy, i suppose. Wheel of time, sword of truth, lord of the ring typey names.
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby Soulerous » Fri Apr 03, 2015 5:16 pm

I have often felt the difficulty of making a satisfactory name, but over time I've managed to create a ton that I think are very good. I don't know that I'll provide names suited to your tastes, but if you want any suggestions I'm happy to offer them. Shaldryn, Shanna, Fiera, and Akura are some female names I just thought of. Meh. I like Fiera.
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby LadyRamkin » Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:22 pm

Soulerous wrote:I have often felt the difficulty of making a satisfactory name, but over time I've managed to create a ton that I think are very good. I don't know that I'll provide names suited to your tastes, but if you want any suggestions I'm happy to offer them. Shaldryn, Shanna, Fiera, and Akura are some female names I just thought of. Meh. I like Fiera.

See, i like those names, whenever i try to come up with somthing, it's like Garapea, or terrabel or lufinda. Total, total shit.
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Re: Not Fanfiction, but we don't have an appropriate section

Postby OriginalA » Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:49 pm

Well color me intrigued.

I wrote something here, but it was invalidated and rendered pointless after I noticed you said "Takes place before the final confrontation of the second major story arc." From what I had written prior to reading that disclaimer I'll just say that I think that once you get back to this scene it should be rewritten to do away with the introductions, which would be awkward if we already knew these characters as it seems we are supposed to were this not an excerpt.

I like the names. Very fantasy setting appropriate. My only quip there is I kept trying to substitute Sorana's name for Soraka (one of my favorite characters from League of Legends), but that is just a product of coincidentally similar names rather than any fault of Sorana's name itself.

The pacing is good for what it is. Given the small word count there is enough there to understand some relationships, characteristics, and personality quirks of the four characters while also having stuff going on, so that's nice.

I noticed some odd capitalization choices, and a couple words that I'm pretty sure are typos. Commas are supposed to be used before opening quotation marks (e.g. He said, "This.")
Honestly though I'm nitpicking there. Despite your self-admitted errors (and who doesn't make those?), this is very readable. Better than a lot of the fanfiction that I read.

LadyRamkin wrote:See, i like those names, whenever i try to come up with somthing, it's like Garapea, or terrabel or lufinda. Total, total shit.

... I like Terrabel and Lufinda. "Terrabel" sounds like an excellent pun name (Terrible Terrabel, or Terrabel the Terrible; it's good fun for alliteration and for making a pun. Such a character could be ditzy klutz or some badass amazon brute and it would fit in fine). Lufinda reminds me of Lufia, which is an RPG series than I'm a fan of, that had main character with that name. Even Garapea isn't the worst name ever. It reminds me of Kaepora Gaebora from LoZ: OoT; it's still better than Galbatorix. You should have more faith in yourself.

I hope you post more. I'm interested in seeing how these characters got here, what they are saving the world from, and what happens to that new soul.

... And now that I'm thinking about it in a slightly different light, you managed to introduce four characters, imply enough backstory to at least allow the reader to infer a fair amount of emotional weight on the situation at hand, resolve a crisis, and throw in a sequel hook; all of that in just over 1100 words. I've read longer passages by professional writers that have accomplished less. This blurb you wrote is deceptively complex. I like it!

Would you mind if I went over it very closely, pointing out every tiny error that I can find, in what I would hope to be some constructive proof reading and maybe offer some word choice considerations? I was going to go ahead and do that, but I realized that the way I go about that is pretty mechanical. I didn't want to injury your self-confidence with dispassionate corrections and suggestions. I figured asking for permission directly would be better than assuming and taking initiative.
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